Have you noticed that if you try to blame someone else they push back even harder?
Most people respond the same way, it’s almost automatic:
- Deny – “No, I didn’t say it like that. Anyway the customer was
already upset.” - Defend – “Listen, my team has been working night and day on this. You can’t expect us to be perfect.”
- Deflect – “I couldn’t complete the report because Accounting didn’t send me the spreadsheet.”
My good friend Aaron Walker points out that there is another way.
And it’s revolutionary:
- Tell the Truth. Don’t try to make yourself look better by “bending” the truth about what happened. 90% of the time the truth will come out in the end. You will look way worse being caught in a lie than you will look by making a mistake.
- Take the Blame. I don’t care if you think the other person deserves 99% of the blame. You had some part in this – even if it is just 1% – so own it. Accept your part of the problem with grace.
- Make it Right. Be the first to offer to fix the situation. Apologize to the customer, take the fall for the systems issue, walk over to accounting to get the spreadsheet and finish that report.
And be the first to do it!
Here’s the thing about accepting the blame, and it’s pretty darn cool:
When you accept the blame, others often step forward to take the blame too…
“Oh you didn’t say it so badly, and I didn’t help by bringing up their late payment before we realized the customer was upset.”
“Your team has been working really hard, how can my team help out?”
“Jim’s right, we did owe him that spreadsheet, we’ll get it done today.”
The weird thing is: It actually feels good to share the blame equally with someone!
It’s forgiving. It’s compassionate. It’s connecting.
And isn’t that a good thing?
Thanks for reading.
Tim
Tim – outstanding!! The 2 lists of 3s is brilliant because it helps us remember these powerful tools. When we are in reaction mode and have the urge to blame, we’ll be able to shift our mindset, thanks to your clear and concise lists. I inadvertantly gave this a 4 rating. What I was trying to enter was a 5+++.
Katharine
Thank you for your kind feedback.
I think you make a great point about “reaction mode.” So many times I find myself reacting in the moment and then wishing I had handled things better just a few minutes later! I have to work hard to avoid seeing blame as a personal affront and getting into the blame game.
I’m not great at it, but when I do accept blame I notice a huge difference: an antagonistic situation immediately diffuses and we can get on to fixing things.
Thanks for reading Katharine,
Tim